| A life of Change |
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| 10:26pm 02/08/2004 |
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mood:  content music: Lets Do it (Let's Fall in Love) written by Cole Porter
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Well while i wait for my laundry to be done i decided to drop a line to people who happend to still check up on my journal. It is offical the house i live in for 7 years, where i met jon, and many others has been foreclosed on and will be sold within the next 30 days to 3 months. I know weird isnt it, things really do change after you leave the safety of the high school walls. Things are just changing lest and right. Im changing.. ive cut almost all my hair off. yep no more long hair i said goodbye to those long locks. I may have a job soon.. well at least i have an interview tomorrow so we'll have to see how that goes. I did get in touch with an old friend again which im happy for. Im finally beginning to figure out who i am. Slowly but surely i am and i have to say its all thanks to my Chris. Id have to say id be lost without him. ive found myself with him. Its like ive always been missing half of myself but he had it all long. he had that other half of me all this time and now i can really figure myself out. Some might say that you dont need anyone else to complete you and i did think so until i met him and realized what i had been missing. I love him so much more than can even be described. well its almost time for my laundry to be put in the dryer so i have to say from the words of cole porter...Its been de-lightful, its delicious, its delectible, its de-lovely! |
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| Wow maybe not long enough |
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| 09:24pm 29/05/2004 |
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mood:  bitchy music: family guy "culinary abortion"
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damn its been awhile since i wrote in this journal. well im still with chris. its almost been 8 months now. and i love him so much. anywyas ive been reading some peoples journals lately and i dont know whats really going on anymore. things arent what they used to be. people try to reconnect but sometimes it just doesnt work. isnt time that some move on not everyone can stay friends all your life like we used to think. its time for most people to grow up. we arent in high school. its been what a year since we graduated and some still think the world is simple and have yet to grow up. well thats it for now i have some stuff i need to get done. later |
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| time gone by |
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| 12:46am 08/01/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative music: lorenna mckennit
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its been while since i started this live journal. when i started it it was from a friend. she signed me up and i thought it was the coolest thing because i could do whatever i wanted with it. for awhile i wrote in it religiously. y i dont know maybe because i never really had anyone to really talk to. yes i know i had friends at the time....but i dont know im beginning to redefine that word. friends what are they really and do we really need as many as we think we do. as of late ive noticed that those that i used to call friend i cant really call that anymore. i mean ya there is the occsional hello whats up but it that really friend. this change in me is new....and its because of chris. he loves me and has taught me to have faith again. well i think i better scamper off...if he finds out im still awake when im supposed to be in bed cause im sick ill be murdered....
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| and the crowd hushes as she steps back on stage.... |
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| 03:59pm 30/12/2003 |
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mood:  anxious music: nothing but mad typing form the 3 amigos
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well well well look who is making an entry in her lj. a first in like a million years. what can i say i have a life right now that has no time to use a computer....well i do but im only on for like 10 min if that anymore. and i have something other than a computer screen to keep me company now. i have a boyfriend who will one day...when he asks me....be my husband. yes people i have met the love of my life.....my soulmate...my one true love. and i couldnt be happier if....well i could if he'd just ask come home. my baby is away....he is in dallas to visit his dad. i want him home so much. anyways my christmas blew....excpet for being with chris other than that it just wasnt that great nothing earth shattering just there. i look at this entry now and wonder y im even talking to the masses. for some reason i feel like none of this matters anymore. i have friends here who appricate me and who take good care of me. it may be selfish but maybe these little things really dont make a difference anymore. the only thing that matters to me at all is chris. it may be selfish and rude to be only focused on him but i dont care anymore. not when he is my best friend....not when he is my life...no when all i need is him. people come and go but he will never leave me....he will always be there helping me and loving me. (still love lola and stumpy though) anyone else doesnt matter as much if at all anymore. well im gonna go and try to kick my friends off the comps next to me......::sighs and knows shes stuck here for a million years and looks to the sky and screams::
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| chillin in stinkadena |
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| 12:15am 29/11/2003 |
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hey gents long time no typy for me. i may seem all happy joy joy but im really just tired as hell. and i still have the greatest and sweetest boyfriend in the world who id do anything for. we even got asked yesterday if we were married!!! and weve only been going out a month!!! can we say whoa!! i love him more than life itself. i can easily say he is the one for me. anyways im outtie cause im blacking out.
lv ya gents
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| errrrrrr's and some more errrrrr's |
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| 03:31pm 25/11/2003 |
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mood:  crappy music: none
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errrrrrrrrrrr and errrrrrrrrrrrr. ive had better days and i dont know y im even updating my lj but i am cause im sitting here waiting for chris to finish eating so we can go back to my apartment. thats that blah blah im tired and i feel like shit.
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| im back from the dead....i think |
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| 03:21pm 10/11/2003 |
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mood:  happy music: my friend playing his guitar
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hey everyone!!! its been what like decades since i last updated my livejournal! things are going great w/ school. and btw i have the best boyfriend ever!!! he is sooooo sweet and cool. he is in culinary and im in animation....hmmmmm didnt i say something bout that before i started school that i needed to find me a chef for a boyfriend....even though im doing all the cooking still ::begins to giggle and smile:: he is totally worth it though. hmmm well im gonna go for now ill update more later on. love u everyone!!
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| busy busy |
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| 10:40pm 07/11/2003 |
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Hello this is Sugardragon's friend. I have taken liberty to write in her journal due to her asking me and since she doesn't really have access to a comp right now. She has been away for awhile due to college and everything. She has also been busy outside of college and wishes to say the she has the most wonderful boyfriend and thanks him too. So I am here to let you her faithful readers know. And since my job is done I will relinquish control back to her, that is until she needs me to update again for her or she updates herself whichever comes first. But she is alive and well, so don't you all go off wandering what ever happened to her, she is doing fine. As for me i will go ahead and get off now. Bye. |
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| thinking.... |
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| 12:31pm 14/09/2003 |
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mood:  sick music: "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Micheal Buble'
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well since i really couldnt sleep last night....ie tossing and turning all night....i did aLOT of thinking and felt like posting some of it.....ill try to get as much down as i can but i dont have my glasses on and still sick....so here goes what i can. for some reason last night the idea of reincarnation popped into my head. ive always been facinated by the idea that we once lived before and had a completely different life. its an interesting concept to have lived before and live again......now in that life u were most likely much different....u could be someone who was rich or poor....good or bad.....lazy or....i think u get my drift. u could have made mistakes that u promised urself ud never make again. now what if thats really true and what u promised urself and what u know is hidden deep within ur subconsious now to tell u u shouldnt do this or that and point u in the opposite direction of the choices u made in ur past life. we might consider it our conscience so to speak that not only guides us but guides us w/ the knowledge we once possesed. and if thats true u might wonder what we did in our past lives to guide us into this new one? i just find it all fasinating....and if we do sunconciously do have knowledge of out past lives then what bout the people we met? what bout how they affected out life? what bout the person we loved and/or married? now in our past life we must have met many different people....have u ever had the feeling that u know someone before u even met them....that somehow they've already been apart of ur life...or u dream bout this same person over and over again never knowing who they are but knowing that u do know them. what if those dreams are tring to show u the person u are ment to love.....what if we are ment to fall in love w/ the same person over and over again...that that person is our one true love or our soulmate. often people dont think this but what if our soulmates and our true loves are 2 totally different people? u often mistake the 2 and think this is my love when its not or u think this is just someone im ment to know not my love....things like this often confuse people to no end.....when are they supposed to know the difference? when do we know that we've found that person? what will trigger the reaction....their touch....their voice....their eyes...just that connection that seems to be pulling u together? when do we know what our hearts are really feeling for the person standing in front of us? i once thought id met one of the 2......(and this person knows what im talking bout......so please dont take this the wrong way)...but know that ive grown a bit more and learned a few more things im think i mistaked what i was feeling......the heart can play many tricks on us leading us to believe one thing when its another and thats just the way it is....so ive never really met either...except maybe in my dreams. love can often be misinterpreted and made into something it shouldnt be. but people "love" this feeling of love.....and would do anything to stay in love....just to keep that feeling....to not let go.....and it often makes us turn a blind eye to what we should really be watching or paying attention to. i speak from some experience and observation. i can feel it in my heart that one day i will meet this person i dream about..my one true love and maybe he is my soulmate as well...but who is to know. i dont know and i dont think i want to know everything just yet...but i know somewhere....he is out there waiting for me as i am for him....and that is a nice comforting thought to be left with...that someone out there needs u and they dont even know it....just like u need them but dont know it yet. well thats it for my thinking right now....leave me a post..let me know what u think....if u agree or never thought bout it like this....if not just think bout what ive said....maybe it something u needed to hear or know..i know some wont think my ideas right but whi really is ever right about things like this....its all in what the heart believes.
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| in ages that have passed |
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| 12:06am 11/09/2003 |
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mood: happy music: "Somethings Gotta Change" by TIna Arena
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I have not been updating my journal at all lately ::slaps self on wrist for being a bad girl:: anyways alot has been going on and i mean ALOT. ive been in and out of trouble and just tring to stay out of it. i think y i havent written in here in a while is that i havent felt i needed to. i mean sure i do need to write out my feelings but i havent been as "plauge" w/ thought so to speak as i was once. i still have my issuses i need to work through but they arent as nerve wrecking as they once were.....except mr. cranky pants (u guys know who that is). something in my attitude changed after i went to orientation....i dont know exactly what it was but i can tell that i have changed. i know things in my life are going to change.....the stress i have now will be replaced w/ new ones but im not scared of it.....in fact im thrilled by the idea. and im taking these new stresses on of my own free will so i will take them on and build a new life......based on all my hopes and dreams not someone elses. i no longer will let my life be controled by those who want it to be theirs.....i know its easier said then done but its my life and i need to make sure it stays mine. ive noticed that this good mood ive had for the last week has yet to really waiver. i thought it did at one point but im still hanging in there and i will continue to hang in there even if it is by the skin of my teeth. i have my friends to make sure i dont go completely insane. i know that i have many friends but there are 3 i really couldnt live w/o right now. they help me when i need them....drive me crazy but also keep me sane and care bout me. all my friends do....but for some reason these 3 right now just stick out in my head.....i dont know if i should really name them for fear of hurting my other friends.....and i know if i said one of them aloud id get my arse kicked big time!! ::kinda giggles then goes back to typing:: well to those 3....2 of them im pretty sure they know who they are....ive told them enough....but the 3rd one is recent but not to recent........but ive come to care very deeply bout this person and i will ALWAYS help them no matter what and i dont want them to forget that.....not that their actually going to read this......but oh well im saying my peace and im going to scamper off into the night now. i shall hopefully return a tad more often but who the hell knows cause i know i dont!!
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| its been a long time |
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| 03:17pm 03/09/2003 |
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mood: contemplative music: "Going Out of My Mind" by Amy Studt
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well it seems im back....at least for now. things have been just too crazy to explain in my lj....and those of u who know the situations ive been in know that for a fact! all i can really say is i cant wait for school to start so i might be able to start a new life clean and fresh w/ no mistakes yet. but i still want my true and good friends that i know i couldnt live w/o.....and they know who they are ^_~.....or at least they should. i swear i have issues. im supposed to stay away from this one guy but i cant. everytime i talk to him i just felt and it feels so natural talking to him. im soo freakin messed up....or maybe im not i just need to have something solid to keep me from getting so confused....i dunno its crazy. anyways im going to get going........getting ready to leave.
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| 09:38pm 21/08/2003 |
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mood:  awake
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well its another night in the house of........i dont know o well. life is full of choices for us. left, right, up, down......one or the other.....in ur life ull have sooo many choices and how u choose will affect the rest of ur life....even the smallest one can through ur life onto a completly different path and u wont even know it. but ull follow it and unknowingly end up somewhere u didnt want to be or never thought u would be. some like to live a predictable life....knowing what will happen to u everyday....but i love unpredictability. i love to live life from day to day. well im on the phone ttyl. |
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| far far away |
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| 01:27pm 21/08/2003 |
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mood:  rushed music: "Second Flight" by Kotoko from Onegai Twins
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well ya im finally back from my short absence. a lot has happend in these few days or u may think nothing at all....just depends. now that my dearest friend.....other than lauren.....has now departed for college i sit here alone. i miss her its not the same w/o her here to tell all my probs and help her through hers and gigle insanly. some of my other friends have begun to kinda......nevermind i dont want to really get into it. well i finally got my stuff on orientation and regestration...::thinks its a bout damn time too:: and its on sept. 6!! ::begins to dance around...:: 3 weeks.....so far yet so near. im not much in a writing or typing mood so the case may be. im tring to pack and take inventory of what i have left to get right now.....and i really should eat. i havent eaten yet today but then those of u who know me thats not unusual. i have such horrible eating habits.....well anyways im gonna scamper off now. see ya gents later, savvy?
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| 10:13pm 18/08/2003 |
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mood:  gloomy music: "Find Your Way Back" by Michelle Branch
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there is not much i can...or really want to say tonight. everytime i get even the littlest bit of happiness it is always ripped away from me....again and again and usually by the same person. so once again ive lost myself for a while and it will take me some time to find my way back. hopefully i will. or i know i will i just need time. if u want details then ull need to know who i am and call me.
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| How |
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| 11:59pm 15/08/2003 |
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mood:  peaceful music: "Hurricane" by Lisa Loeb
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my life isnt pretty. ive often spent to much time in the past or running from it. well ive finally take a chance to dig my heels stop and turn right around to stare my past in the face. im not tring to live in the past. im just not going to run from it anymore. my past is a part of me and i have to accept that. today i might have hurt someone with some words id said.....and many would take this opportunity to perhaps apologise for their harsh words or actions....im sorry but im not. i ment every word i said no matter how harsh they may have been. i once said in one of my entires that i will no longer take people by the hand and help them through life. sometimes u need to stand on ur own. its like a little kid that has fallen down and scraped his knee. he sits there cring and asking mommy to help him back up when it is only a little scratch. some times u just need to let them stand on their own. of course i want to help people but there is helping and hindering. i dont know y i got into this again.
i dont know if any of my friends have ever listened to lisa loeb. there is this song called how...some of the words do nothing but hit me..." i didnt come this far for u to make this hard for me..... and now u want to ask me how its like how does ur heart beat and y do u breathe......how does ur heart beat and y do u breathe....and now u want to ask me y its like how does ur heart beat and how do u cry.....and there are some things id like to figure out and some things i can do without....of the all the things u could be u never could learn how to be me and know u want to aske me how its like how does ur heart beat and how do u breathe.." thats some of the song and it has some good questions....how does ur heart beat? and how do u breathe? and how do u cry? everyone has different answers to these questions. they can be simple or they can be complex and profound. whenever i hear this song i always wonder what my answer might be. i still sit here and wonder. how does my heart beat? it beats with nature. how do i breathe? with all my soul. and how do i cry? w/ the tears of my soul. my heart and my soul are my life. im in one of those moods where i feel at peace and gentle. i close my eyes and i can just feel the wind on my face as though i was outside on a cool spring day. if u saw me ud see the gentlest smile on my face right now. my heart......listening to my heart is not always easy. it often leads me to heart ache....but i trust it. i trust what i am. i trust who i am. i trust my soul and who i was ment to be. but not only do i trust....i believe and have faith. i have often doubted my heart, soul....who i am what i am..... i have to finally belive in me.
i think this time i just want to stand on my own. and watch the sunset by myself. my life isnt easy....its hard as hell.....but its mine and im not ready to share it w/ someone yet. someday i will. that doesnt mean im gonna shut myself off from the world......its just means that part of my heart im not ready to give to anyone yet......someday i will. and ill know it when i do. well im going to scamper off for now. lve ya gents.
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| wounds |
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| 07:55pm 14/08/2003 |
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mood:  drained music: "Superman (It's Not Easy)" by Five for Fighting
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well i had this nice little entry written out.......damn internet. anyways im not going to retype it. but at least i did. it made me feel better. im still ready to kill this comp severly but maybe that means what i wrote wasnt ment to be seen by everyone. maybe it wa for myself to at least say i would tell to the world. i have my ghosts and my wounds. i will face my ghost on my own.....namely the feelings that i had locked away for my own health that resurfaced due to a recent event. and many of my friends already know of it so i dont need to really get into it again because its scary enough. but i have accepted my own ghost and will face them on my own. i want nor need help with that because it is my heart and my soul that i must battle so i must do it alone. sometimes that is a good thing and in this case it is right now. now my wounds are still fresh on my heart and skin but maybe it isnt time for them to be healed just yet. i havent met the right one to heal those wounds. someday i will. someday i will meet that person who can heal all my wounds. now that i have accepted my wounds and will allow them to be healed im just waiting for the right person to come along and show me he can. and i know he will. maybe not now but someday he will. ill always believe in that. maybe the diffence between me and others is i am who i am. i will walk in and out of many peoples lives. as they will mine. and ill meet different guys...ill fall in love many times but one day ill meet him hes out there just for me. and he will make me the happiest and luckiest woman in the world....and that is what sometimes keeps me going at night. knowing that someday he will be the one i let save me.....the one i need to save me....the one i pray to have save me...now i will leave u a quote from a song from matchbox20 "....and for all u know this could be the difference between what u need and what u want to be....every word u never said echoes down ur empty hallway" let it make u think let it make u feel. and hopefully ill no longer be a hand me down......i need someone who wont treat me as a hand me down like many have. night gents.
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| 12:49am 09/08/2003 |
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mood:  dorky music: "Why Dont You & I" by Santana fet. Chad Kroeger
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well i was going to wait till tomorrow to write this but people kinda stopped talking so i found meself falling asleep and bored to i said what the hell , grabbed the keyboard , and started to beat it sencelessly. ::bow and says sorry to keyboard but ends up hitting head on it:: well today i got me some....wait sratch that ALOT of sun!! if u saw me tan before that looks WHITE compared to what i got now!! anyways got up insanly early for me on a week day....try 6...ya 6am!!! for me thats like the world is ending....but i get up and get ready for beach or what by houston people...not me......definition of a beach named galveston. so me and jackie head ove to pick up on of the groupies then head back to her place to wait for the last memebr to show up. he shows and he turns out to be a really cool guy(and wouldnt u like to know the details....but im not gonna tell ya so NYAH!!!). well anyways we spent the day having fun...buried people in the sand......got bulldosed by some swells....and landed flat on me arse....(got picked up several times).....had a broken suit (...nuff said to that one^^')......and just had a nice relaxing day. i didnt realize just how much i missed the water until today. well now that im baked and well beat im going to scamper off into the dinstance and have sweet dreams....until i have to get up at 850!!! well oyasumi nasai mina-san!
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| snowball |
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| 09:49pm 05/08/2003 |
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mood:  ditzy music: "Stay (I Missed You)" by Lisa Loeb
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i sit here at my journal tonight trying to think of what to write.....and i cant think of anything. i am just sitting here listening to Lisa Loeb. anyways most people i know are starting to see me perhaps differently from the way they used to. i know for a fact that how people knew me in high school is no longer who i am. i grew up in alot of ways over these last hmmmmmmm since april so 4 months. ever since i sent that one little email to aih saying i was interested in their school. after that my life just snowballed into place(with some things not all). its been one neverending roller coaster ride. for a person whose life was incurably screwed up it some how managed to "unkink" itself. and it hasnt been easy getting to this point. but sometimes thats the way its ment to be......what if i was ment to go through all that abuse to get myself here and become the person i am. emotional abuse can be a really bad thing. its harsh and warps ur personality w/ out u even realizing it sometimes.....depends on how good the person is at it.....and the ones that dont even know their doing it can be the worst. because they dont think their wrong and they dont even realize they do it so well. because of how people have treated me through out my life have made me the person i am today.....whether they abused me or helped me. they made me who i am in each little thing they do they have showed me something i could be but ultimately its what i decide to be...is what i will become.....who i will become is up to me. what i do with my life is up to me. no matter what people try to say to you or help you u are the one responsible for ur actions. u choose ur path. should i take left or should i take right? should i just wait for someone to point me down the right path or take the first step on my own. once again tonight i find myself speaking to people who hide in the shadows of their fear. who hide from the choices that need to be made in life. one choice i need to make is to trust people. ive chosen my path...ive chosen where to go and what to do.......ive chosen to remove my mask and be just who am.......but there is still that part of me that is the scared little child being beaten up by those around her. i am strong...stronger than some realize...strong.....but then im also weaker than they realize. ive been broken and beaten. and that has made very strong but its made it so im weak w/ trust. i have problems w/ trust......because those i have trusted have thrown me against the wall with it. but ive begun to let people in and see me.......and that will make me hurt again and make me have more trust issues...but if i dont i wouldnt be able to live w/ myself because id me living a lie. i think thats why ive written my last few entries the way i have. because ive seen more. some find it hard to hide in the shadows.......but in reality what if its hiding thats not hard...what if its being who u are thats hard. hiding in the shadows is easy. its easy to evade those that might pin u down. its ultimately harder to expose urself for who and what u really are. its hard to expose urself...it leaves u vulnerable for people to hit you. but now that ive realized that abuse isnt necessicarily bad........i know its just makes you that much stronger. it makes you that much more ready to deal with something. sure it will make you mare scared to put urself out there again but ur still stronger and wiser from what has happend. some may choose to see it the other way around but hey thats their prob not mine. ive just said my peace to perhaps help. some may find me harsh and too foward but at least im being honest. im not going to lead people by the hand. dont expect me to treat you like a child anymore. im not going to alienate people but im not going to put up with those who would not accept me for what i am. as i said before seeking acceptance can often hinder you. but i also did say sometimes u can find people who do. life is a 2 way street. u can expect someone to help you, be there for you, or accept you if u do not show the same courtesy.
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| 11:29pm 04/08/2003 |
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mood:  irritated music: "Born to Break My Heart: by Carly Simon
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i started writing in my journal about guys. but i was listening to one of my cds and started to feel maybe that wasnt the type if entry i wanted to night. i keep thinking about what i wrote last night......about people wear a masks and decieving people. people choose to do this constantly. the reasoning is heartless and cowardice. why cant someone just show u who they truly are? y does society always have to dictate what we say and do? ive been decieved and lied to so many times in my life its rediculous. people lie, cheat, steal.....even ur own family. who can you turn to when even your own family wears a mask themselves? who can you become when ur own family lies? turn to ur friends? some say they are there for u but are they really? what if all u still see is the mask their wearing? thats what makes it sooo hard to know people and become highly frustrated w/ them or just plain begin to hate them for doing nothing but continually lieing to themselves. if u cant be true to urself....then who are u? what are you? u cant say u know urself when ur not honest with those around u. they will end up knowing more than you do urself and thats not the way to survive in this world. to survive u need confidence in urself. who and what u are. if u cant admit it to the world than how do u admit it to urself. how can u say u know who u are when u dont admit it to anyone else? you are still hiding behind that mask... a coward to the world......piting others when you should pity urself. at least people who admit who and what they are are being honest. while u still hide.....in fear.....just another face in the crowd.....afraid to stand up.....sitting in a dark little corner watchin and waiting for what will never come. if ur looking for acceptance from society...forget it. it wont come. u have to stand on ur own to feet and face the world. if u seek acceptance....u seek a crutch that will hinder ur walking. ull limp through life only seeking acceptance. and thats what i pity. i will commend those who stand on their own. and walk head first into the crowd tring to break it up and show them ur standing on ur own....while watching others with their crutch....seeking what society will never give. be who u are......despite all obstacles.....be what u are.....and NEVER make urself seek that crutch that u may sit with in the dark corner.....throw it away. this world is the way it is and acceptance will never come. i know im beign very harsh but im being very real. you will meet people in ur life that will "accept you" but will it be for exactly who and what u are? or for that mask you wear? just remeber that and make ur choice. its coming....its coming very soon.....will u be ready and face it? or run and hide like a coward? will u walk or limp? the choice is your.....i hope u choose wisely.....for u only get one chance. then........
Sugar |
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sugardragon1921's journal
geeky
